Contributor :
Inad Q. Rendon
APCOM consultant
Once hailed as a success story for its Covid-19 control, Thailand is currently going through a huge surge in Covid-19 cases due to the delta variant. As of 6 August 2021, Thailand recorded 693,305 Coronavirus cases and 5,663 deaths.
APCOM office is based in Bangkok, and since July 2021 Bangkok has been on lockdown until further notice, and we asked our staff to do a reflection on their Covid-19 experience in 2021.
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What I like about myself, is that I do not stick to a regular set of rules, or standards (conversely, some people do not like this trait.) When I started to live openly as a person living with HIV (PLHIV), I was branded as someone ‘not normal’. Instead of fighting back against those who stigmatized and discriminated me, I decided to live up to the label they puton me. I am not normal. True. I am special.
Three to four weeks of work-from-home, including 14 days of isolation, has trapped me in a box. Everything has become regular. Normal.
When asked to write how I was coping during these weeks, I thought it would be yet another same old story. I do not like to read the same old stories. I do not like to write about experiences that we already know.
I managed to maintain a journal during these weeks and wrote down my thoughts, my feelings, and my wishful thinking. Instead of sharing how I was coping, I will take you on a mini-tour inside my head. Here are some of my thoughts during my isolation:
(Note: these thoughts are randomly listed)
- I shall remember those who checked up on me, and those who did not. I shall respect and value the people who remembered to ask how I was doing and genuinely showed concern.
- Is this COVID-19? Am I having COVID-19?
No, maybe not. – But what if? No! No! No!
- I feel melancholic. I feel lonely. I feel homesick. I miss my mum. I miss my dad. I wish I were home.
- People check up on me for various reasons:
- They need me to do their job
- They need my moral support (which, (both morale and morality) at this stage, has already depleted)
- Rarely: they genuinely care.
- But what if I have COVID-19? Another stigma?
So, what shall I do, to be better prepared? Why is no one telling me what can be done, or what to do???
- AM I DEVELOPING A FEVER?!? AM I??
No, maybe not.- But what if?? Shall I call my doctor?
- Inad, calm down.
- No, I cannot calm down. I will not calm down!
- If one is in doubt of whether to choose me, then I would rather not be chosen.
I refuse to be an option. I hope people are clear about their intentions, so I will not waste time.
- Isolated. 14 days. Alone. In a place where I find it very hard to trust people.
- “Dear Inad … I hope you feel better … May I request you to … I cannot stress how important it is for this to move forward…”
Yes, selfish human species exist, and take several forms. The most dangerous ones are those hiding in plain sight.
- “I want to kill these people.
Oops. That was wrong of me. Sorry, Gods and Goddesses. I pray that these people live long lives, so that they can experience more of this horrible, torturous, self-deprecating journey that this life has to offer. I also pray that resources be available to them, in case they decide to hang themselves.”
- I will never be enough, am I? I hate myself.
- No, I should not say that. I am enough.
- Really? Am I sure? No, I do not think so.
- It is agreed then? I am not good enough?
- Agreed.
- No, I should not say that. I am enough.
- I wonder how many personalities live inside my head.
LOL. Wishful thinking. Seriously, I wonder how some people are expecting me to perform regular work and demand more at this stage?
- I feel trapped.
- Motivation gone.
- Pen on paper.
- No writing.
- Mind empty.
- I have done what I need to do. I have done more than what is expected, more than what is being asked. Events, or work after this will only become part of the regular, the routine – a pattern.
Time for something new.
- Did you think I’d voluntarily share what is inside my head, just like that?
